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Hello friends of the 1980s and early 1990s! How about that Mikhail Gorbachev, what an absolute HAM! If you’re like me, in between rocking out to your favorite Huey Lewis and the News cassettes and investing lots of money in Tab cola and Enron, you like to keep up with the latest in “cellular phone technology.” Have you heard about it? You haven’t?! What, are you living under a rock expelled from Mount St. Helens, which just exploded not so long ago?!? “Cell” (short for “cellular”) phones allow you to make a call from anywhere to anywhere. You could get the latest from the Call the Coreys hotline while in an important business meeting in Czechoslovakia, or gossip about the latest episode of Family Ties with your good friend in South Yemen.

But don’t take my word for it. Here are some commercials that are currently on a TV near you!

This commercial doesn’t have a narrator or any graphics. And it doesn’t need them. You can tell cell phones are going to be the cool new thing because of the futuristic computer music soundtrack. Yup, cellphones can go anywhere: In your car, in your office, in Europe. Some models are dainty enough to carry in a grown woman’s plus-sized purse.

Have you ever been driving along, listening to some contemporary adult synth-jazz on the way to your private beach resort to meet-up with your wife and child, only to accidentally plow your car into a field full of sheep? We all have. Before cell phones, more than likely your wife would have assumed you were dead when you didn’t show up on time and started the process of getting on with her life. You know, “playing the field” a little. Then, of course, you’d finally make it home only to find that your family has just finished the process of adapting to “new Dad.” It was just uncomfortable for everyone involved. But thanks to cellular technology, you can call your beloved from the middle of the sea of sheep and these little mix-ups don’t end up becoming big messy misunderstandings.
 

Radio Shack isn’t just America’s most trusted source for power strips and discount clock radios, it’s also one of the movers at the forefront of cellular phone technology. As you can see here, now you can take your cell phone anywhere with the Shack’s new suitcase-sized phone. It even comes with a convenient handle on the top for easy transportation. While you do have to pull an extra chair up to the table in a restaurant, people will respect a man who dates his cell phone. Everybody’s doing it.
 

A little worried about the price of a cellular phone? Don’t worry. As cellular phone technology evolves, the price will become more accessible to the average Joe, maybe even as low as $500. You can live the Gordon Gecko lifestyle on a Cliff Huxtable budget. (But don’t worry about paying a price that is practically tantamount to stealing, like this commercial says, that’ll be our little secret.)
;)

Oh, that bit of punctuation above? It’s not a mistake. Try looking at it on its side, you might be pleasantly surprised at what you find.
 

Motorola and Cellular One are really changing the game with a flip phone that are small enough to easily slide into your car’s glove compartment. This phone is small enough that you can talk with it in your hand AND drive at the same time. That’s what’s called “multi-tasking” which I bet will be a big thing. Like synergy. And virtual reality helmets.

Well, friends it’s been great rappin’ tech with ya’ll. I’m off to rock out at the Will Smith concert. Yeah, as far as I’m concerned he and The Fat Boys will go down as being the most important figures in the hip-hop. Until next time, when you’re talking about cell phones, remember what The Church Lady says: Well, isn’t that special? And they are! Cell phones really are special.


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